Relationships And Separation

Marriage is a source of comfort and security. Unfortunately all marriages are not eternally happy for they lack the necessary ingredient for success. Partners trapped in such unhappy situations prefer to opt out either by separation or a divorce.

The spouse who is forced to take such an unpleasant decision of terminating the marriage happens to be the woman in almost two thirds of the situations in the United Kingdom. Apparently announcing this decision to the partner and other family members rests with the initiator of the divorce.

Communicating this decision is extremely difficult for it unleashes a gamut of emotions ranging from despair and distress to anger and hatred. Accusations fly thick and fast and in this frightening scenario the justification and necessity of the decision taken is genuinely doubted by the very initiator.

The pain caused by the announcement can be mitigated by being considerate. The very prospect of termination of the relationship deeply hurts the spouse. This need not be compounded by participating in the blame game. Rather assuring the partner that the decision has not been reached at due to some short coming of theirs ensures long term cordiality among the family members.

Another issue that requires immediate attention is the prospect of insecurity presented by divorce that might follow separation. Women tend to frighten more at this possibility for they are not as financially strong as men, for many of them relinquish career to devote time to home and family.

This prospective uncertainty need be no cause for worry anymore. Protection is available in the form of Separation Agreements. Though Separation Agreements do not have a strong legal binding and are not strictly enforceable like a court order they do bring about a semblance of order in the jumble of financial issues. Incidentally, financial issues have proved to be one among the major causes for divorce in the United Kingdom.

Necessity of a Separation Agreement

Couples might part as the best of friends. No issue might be large enough worth fighting for. The oral agreement entered into by them would be amicable and all relevant issues might have been justifiably settled. This is a peaceful scenario, subject to overnight change when one of the partners starts dating another. And when the prospect of remarriage looms large trying to come to a settlement could mean either going to the court or concluding unfair deals. Entering into Separation Agreement is in the best of interests of either partner. Failing to do so would mean dragging issues to court and risking acrimonious relationships that invariably result long drawn battles. And enmity among parents immeasurably damages the child.

Separation Agreements are a necessity not only for couples who have decided to stay separated and not divorce, it is also for couples to whom divorce is imminent after fulfilling the legal requirements laid down by the courts.

Protection Offered by a Separation Agreement

•One among the best benefits of a Separation Agreement is the flexibility it offers. Extremely unfair deals entered in spurts of ignorance can be changed.

•Separation agreement offers couples protection when they need it most, fearing the uncertainty at the end of the marriage.

•Everything is put down in writing. This gives a clear picture to the couple who can start planning their future independent lives.

•Separation Agreements prevents future legal costs.

•One of the necessary conditions for being granted divorce by the courts is a certain period of separation. Signing a Separation Agreement is a legal confirmation of the time spent apart.

Separation Agreements are neither vague nor can their validity be questioned. People opting for a Separation Agreement should enter into one only after consulting their respective solicitors for these agreements could well turn the final settlements in the event of a divorce. The courts accept a change only if the agreement appears extremely unfair otherwise they stand validated.

The growing popularity of the Separation Agreement is due to the convenience it offers. All the vital issues that crop up during a divorce like child custody, financial settlement and other importantly minor issues are sorted out with minimum legal intervention. The effects of divorce are achieved without paying hefty solicitor’s fees. Couples who plan not to remarry find this a good alternative to divorce.

Cyber Relationships

Internet relationships have been subject to a lot of praise, media coverage, and criticism. But what really goes on in these online relationships? Is the popularity of cyber relationships a reflection of the fact that the world is getting smaller or does it just show that people don't go out of their houses anymore? Cyber relationships are more than just a fad - they have changed the way that we perceive romance. Here are some reasons why it works for a lot of people:

It's easier to meet someone that fits your "type" online. Ever had a crush on a girl only to be disappointed at her bad taste in movies? Or have you ever dated a woman you really liked, only to find out at the end of the date that she used to be a man? People are never what they seem to be, and it's more likely to find personality types that you're attracted to via online dating sites and even regular messageboards. With all the new advanced searched functions of dating websites, it's no surprise that people can enter their preferred body type and personality type and find a perfect match.

It's also easier to find people that you're compatible with via special interest online communities. For example, I know of a couple who met via an "All My Children" TV messageboard and they've been together for 2 years. They are now moving into an apartment together. Online communities are a great way to meet like-minded people, and oftentimes, romantic attractions develop.

With cyber relationships, you also get to spend a lot of time talking and communicating, without being distracted by messy physical stuff. You get to know each other first on an intellectual and emotional level, before you move on to physical intimacy. This makes later physical meetings more comfortable, especially since you already know the person that you're with. Dates are often less awkward, and people tend to be less nervous if they've established strong communication ties with their online lover.

Perhaps the best aspect of cyber relationships is that it's easy to maintain contact, and easy to break it off as well. If you have internet access at work, you can easily talk to your online lover in the background via email or instant messaging. This creates opportunities to express your feelings anywhere and anytime - even when you're facing a very busy schedule. But cyber relationships are easy to break off too, since you're not faced with the fear of confronting someone over the phone or face to face. A lot of people can find the "breaking up" part of the relationship to be really stressful. And if your cyber lover ends up being a psychotic stalker - all you have to do is block him or her from your email, as well as your instant messaging program.

Improve Your Relationships

Relationships are complex things, but following these basics will help you make your relationships healthy and strong.

When in doubt, listen first and check to see if you have understood the other person by asking them questions. Often relationships go awry when people feel they aren’t being heard or understood and sometimes it’s important just to listen. You have to know what they want, not what you think is good for them. Listening is what helps us to find connection with each other. This also means you need to tell others what you really feel, think, and want. You can’t feel connected if you don’t voice these things.

Communicate simply when it is most critical that they hear you. Get clear in your own mind what kind of outcome you would like and try to state it in the most simple and specific terms. You will more likely be understood the more clear you can be, and often that means fewer words, not more. Sometimes repetition is necessary in getting through to someone what is really important to you.

Always show respect. Respect means listening, accepting a no when you are given one, not taking them for granted, being honest in your dealings with them, and not criticizing often or discouraging them. It is also important that you do not try to control others, and just as important that you show respect to yourself and ask that they treat you the same or be willing to walk away.

Know when it isn’t a healthy relationship. Just because you care about someone doesn’t mean you should be in a relationship with them at this time. They should be good for you, not addicted to anything, not controlling or abusive in any way, and make you feel secure and happy. It is not possible to make a relationship work with someone who doesn’t care about you, or who abuses a substance or you, so don’t try.

Seek to be good for others and don’t tear them down. People like to be with those who make them feel good and who are good for them. Lighten up and have fun together and your relationship will grow.

Do You Understand your partner? This looks little different kind of question, isn't it? Because all of us think that we understand our partner. Is that true for all of us? What is the truth?

What all do we need to know about a person to feel that we understand them? Let us list out. Food habits, clothing choice, hobbies, emotional response, values, ambitions, behavior, mental strength, IQ, EQ and others. How much do you know about behavior response of your partner? Let us not talk about everyday behavior but how do they behave during extraordinary circumstances. For example, if a burger enters the house at night, what will be your partner's reaction? They will feel frightened? They will go and confront the burglar? They will try to catch the burglar or they will try to kill?

We can raise many such questions and try and think if we know the answer. Suppose your partner is dressed in their best clothes and is attending a party. Somebody spills a liquid on his or her clothes by mistake. How do you think they will react? Can you answer this? Think of different situations and answer them to know if you really understand your partner.

Knowing about likes and dislikes does not mean understanding. To understand means to know the values, the life goals and the priorities of a person. To understand means to know what incidences made what impacts on that person. To understand means - you will be able to predict the reaction of your partner at a crucial moment. Can you do that with surety?

In the beginning of our relationship, we all talk about good things of life. Our focus is more to please our partner. Our focus is to get more pleasure in their company. we never think about the underlying psychological behavior at that time. After the relationship develop little further, we find that many times we get baffled by what our partner does and vice-versa. Better understand leads to stronger relationship.

Relationships: Arguing With Each Other

All couples argue from time to time. It’s usually just harmless bickering, perhaps because of tiredness or stress, and resolves itself quickly enough. However, if you and your partner find yourselves arguing all the time, perhaps it’s time to consider whether there are deeper issues at the root cause of your conflicts. On the surface, your arguments may seem to be about money, children, sex, household chores or work (these are the most common themes), but these may not be the real issues – they may simply be the symptom of more serious underlying problems in your relationship. If you think this could be the case, read on to find out how to deal with it.

Sometimes arguments about money, work, children and household chores really boil down to insecurity about roles and responsibilities in the relationship. Perhaps it’s time to sit down together and redefine your mutual expectations of what your roles are and what you want them to be. Make changes if necessary.

Arguments about sex are often a cry for attention and affection. The most common gripe is about how often you have sex. If your sex drives just don’t match up, there’s plenty you can do to keep each other feeling loved and satisfied without having sex. Just cuddling in bed or on the couch, giving each other a massage, kissing more often or holding hands can provide enough physical affection and you might be surprised at just how intimate and romantic such little gestures can be. Sometimes they even lead to unexpected, spontaneous sex!

Sometimes just your style of arguing can heighten the tension and cause even the smallest of disputes to escalate. If you’re highly defensive by nature, you may take things very personally and see the smallest of comments as an attack. If you’re the type of person who’s afraid of conflict and will avoid it at all costs, you may be inclined to keep the peace with your partner on the surface, but your unresolved issues are therefore likely to build up inside you until they eventually lead to an eruption of anger, frustration and resentment. Some people prefer the silent treatment, going in the huff or nagging and griping until gradually the other person senses their unhappiness. Others like to feel that they’re always right and are very competitive and domineering – to them an argument is about winning or losing, and so they will do whatever it takes to win. None of these types of arguing are ever constructive are will just aggravate the problem. The best style of managing conflict and anger is to negotiate. Listen to each other, be patient, try to understand the other perspective and aim to come to a compromise that is mutually acceptable. You’ll feel all the better for it. When you’re arguing, also bear the following tips in mind:

If you know you’re tired, grumpy or unwell, don’t get into an argument in the first place. Leave your discussion until your mood is better.

Don’t interrupt, speak over your partner or shout.

Express your feelings openly. Frame the issue by talking about how you feel, not about how you think your partner should feel or behave.

Remember what you’re arguing about – don’t go off on a tangent and start dragging other issues into it. Remain focused. If there are other issues, these need to be dealt with separately.

Keep things in perspective. What are you actually getting so heated about? Impassioned debates about who forgot to set the timer on the video or how many chocolates you have just eaten – that’s just silly.

Try to see things from your partner’s point of view. This may also help you to understand whether there are any deeper issues involved.

Don’t drag other people into it – ‘Bob agrees with me’ or ‘My sister thinks I’m right too’. It makes no difference what anyone else thinks – the issue is between the two of you.

Don’t make sweeping generalisations such as ‘it’s always me who has to empty the bin’ or ‘you never sweep the floor’. They’re not helpful and you’re bound to be caught out.

Don’t humiliate or put down your partner. Their opinion is as valid as yours. You love each other and should therefore respect each other.

Don’t let it get personal, for example by hurling random insults at each other. This is just negative, abusive and irrelevant. Keep your discussion constructive. Telling your partner that they are a complete killjoy won’t do much to persuade them to go to a party with you!

If things get too heated or you just end up going round in circles, call it off and agree to resume your discussion when you’ve both had time to relax and think about it.

Remember that arguing is natural. We all do it from time to time as we all have our own feelings, beliefs and opinions which won’t always be compatible with each other. As long as you are open and discuss your differences in a calm, rational and patient manner, without seeing the argument as a ‘win or lose’ situation, your relationship should remain happy and healthy. It’s actually a more worrying sign if you never have any arguments. On the face of it, it may seem as if you have the perfect relationship, but this probably belies a whole host of differences and conflicts that are left to brew up inside you both for the sake of keeping the peace. Such relationships are destined for trouble. It’s a pressure cooker effect – sooner or later one of you will reach bursting point, by which time the issues and will be much more serious and the consequences could be disastrous.

A final note: arguments may become heated and verbally aggressive, but they should never become physically violent and abusive. If your arguments do escalate into domestic violence, seek help urgently. You are not alone in suffering from this and there is plenty of support to help you. Confide in family or friends, or if you don’t feel comfortable with this, get in touch with a women’s charity, a counselling organisation such as Relate or your local social services.

Responsibility In Relationships

Many negative emotions are the result of confusion concerning "who is responsible for whose reality." If we believe that others are responsible for our reality and how we feel, and they do not "create" our reality as we want it to be or do not give us what we want, we feel hurt, bitter, disillusioned, powerless, fearful, resentful, angry, and even hateful.

When we believe that we are responsible for their reality, and we are not able to make them happy, healthy, successful or satisfied, we feel failure, self-rejection, shame, and guilt. We might even feel anger toward them when they do not cooperate with us to create the reality we believe they must have in order to feel that we are successful and thus worthy as parents, teachers, saviors, healers, etc.

Both beliefs create codependence, resulting in conflicts in our relationships, while simultaneously preventing both parties from maturing emotionally.

Below you will find a list of beliefs that create such situations. We use the phraseology "holding the keys" to the others’ happiness, etc., as well as, "giving them the keys" to our self-worth, etc., in order to create a more visual and concrete way of working with this problem. Later we will refer to the PSYCHODRAMA OF THE KEYS or THE PUTTING ORDER TO THE KEYS. This means that we return the keys of responsibility that belong to the others, and take back the keys to our responsibilities.

BELIEFS THAT CAUSE CODEPENDENCY

1. I am responsible for the others’ reality; for their safety, happiness, health, success, satisfaction, etc. This leads us to believe we are holding the keys to the others’ safety, happiness, health, success, and satisfaction. We then believe we are failures if the others are not well. We also become angry with them when they do not cooperate in creating their own well-being, which we need in order to feel worthy.

2. Others are incapable, unable, and lacking inner guidance or the capacity for managing their lives properly. They need me. We then believe we hold the keys to their safety, happiness, satisfaction, success, etc. We believe they cannot be okay or proceed in life without our guidance and effort. We undermine their self-confidence and self-worth, and wear ourselves down doing for others much of what they can do for themselves. We obstruct their growth and strength.

3. If the others are not well, happy, successful, satisfied, etc., then I am a failure. I am holding the keys to their happiness, success, etc. They, in turn, hold the keys to my self-worth. In such cases, we get trapped in a vicious circle with the others, seeking to pressure them to live their lives in a way that we believe will make them happy and well. We do this, however, not only out of love, but also out of our need to affirm our self-worth.

4. If the others are not well or satisfied, etc., I am not worthy. I give the keys to my self-worth to the others because I am "responsible for" (holding the keys to) their well-being or satisfaction. I feel worthy only when they are well or satisfied.

5. If the other is not well or happy, I do not have the right to be well or happy. I give the keys to my happiness and well-being to the other. I feel I have the right to be happy or well only if he or she is. This does not help the other, but instead adds to the negativity in the environment. I remember a man once who expressed the need to be not well and to express it without his wife going to pieces.

6. If I love someone who is suffering, unhappy or not well, I should not be able to be happy or well. We give him or her the keys to our happiness and well-being. We can help others much more effectively by being positive rather than negative when they are not well.

7. My self-worth depends on what others think of me and on how satisfied they are with me. We give others the keys to our self-worth. We then lose our sense of who we are, what we believe and what we want to do with our lives. We waste our lives seeking to be who we believe others want us to be. In the end, we lose our happiness and are usually bitter that after all that self-suppression, we are still not getting from others the love and respect we desire.

8. My self worth is dependent on how successful my efforts are toward health, happiness, material comfort, social acceptance, professional success, etc. We give the keys to our self-worth to people, possessions and situations around us. This describes our state as a society in which each has lost the keys to his or her own happiness and is seeking to find it in "success". Happiness and success are often (not always) on the other side of the seesaw.

9. I cannot ______without the others:

A. I cannot feel safe without the other(s). We give the keys to our feelings of security.

B. I cannot feel socially accepted without the other(s). We give the keys to our self-worth.

C. I cannot succeed without the other(s). We give the keys to our sense of power and ability.

D. I cannot enjoy myself without the other(s). We give the keys to our happiness.

E. I cannot be sure what to do without the other(s). We give the keys to our inner guidance and wisdom.

F. I cannot be happy without the other(s). We give the keys to our happiness.

10. Others are responsible for my:

A. Happiness. We give the keys to our happiness.

B. Safety. We give the keys to our feelings of security.

C. Satisfaction. We give the keys to our feelings of satisfaction.

D. Success. We give the keys to our ability and intelligence.

E. Health. We give the keys to our physical being. __________________________________

Having understood the above, the next step is to determine where exactly we are expecting others to create our happiness, success, and satisfaction, or where we are dependent on others for our feelings of self-worth. In other words, we need to recognize which of our keys we have given to whom.

Then we need to discover for which people we feel responsible, and thus are holding onto the keys to their happiness, success, safety or satisfaction.

This we want to do in order to return the keys that do not belong to us and take back the keys that do.

Fears Of A New Relationship

Katie had not been in a relationship in ten years, and she was scared to death. In her last relationship, she had lost herself completely and then felt devastated when her boyfriend of three years left her for another woman.

After working on herself emotionally and spiritually for a number of years, Katie, now 48, felt she was ready for a new relationship. So she joined an online dating service and promptly met Sean, who seemed too good to be true. Warm, compassionate, intelligent, and also on a personal and spiritual growth path, Sean, 55, was an available man! Now Katie’s fears that she would not meet someone turned to fears of being in a relationship again.

Katie had learned how to take loving care of herself when she was alone or with friends, but doing this with a man was another matter. She had never actually taken care of herself in any of her relationships, and she was very worried that she would let herself down again.

Katie wanted some guidelines regarding loving actions she could take for herself as she started to explore the relationship with Sean, and she wrote to me asking me for these loving actions. So here they are – some loving actions to take when first exploring a new relationship:

1. Stay focused inside your own body, noticing your own feelings rather than just being tuned into the other person’s feelings. Stay conscious of NOT taking responsibility for the others person’s feelings of worth or security, and NOT making the other person responsible for your feelings of worth or security.

2. Make a solid decision before getting together with the other person that you are willing to lose the other person rather than lose yourself. Make a conscious decision to NOT make the other person’s wants, needs and feelings more important than your own.

3. Stay clear on your own truth, NOT letting the other person talk you in or out of what feels good and right for you.

4. Be willing to take full, 100% responsibility for behaving in a way that makes you feel worthy, safe and powerful. Be willing to be who you really are rather than trying to impress. Make a conscious decision that being in integrity with who you really are, is more important than getting the other person’s approval.

5. Do NOT disregard the big or small things that you find difficult, intolerable or unacceptable. If something is unacceptable or intolerable to you early in the relationship, the chances are that it is not going to get better. Do NOT convince yourself that, because there are so many good things about this person, you can overlook the problems or get the other person to change. This NEVER works!

Fears of rejection can emerge very early in a relationship. Some people are terrified of doing something wrong and being rejected, because they make they other person responsible for their feelings of worth and lovability. The fear of rejection can lead a person to give him/herself up to the other person, thereby touching off fears of engulfment – of loving oneself and being controlled or consumed by the other person. Thus, fears of loss – loss of self or loss of other – often surface quickly and people find themselves either giving in or pulling away in their efforts to protect themselves from their fears.

If you allow fear to guide you, you will likely either pull away or end up in an unsatisfying relationship. The most important thing to remember as you move into exploring a new relationship is: LET LOVE BE YOUR GUIDE, NOT FEAR. This means that you need to be open to learning about what is most loving to YOU – what is really in your highest good – rather than trying to have control over not being rejected or controlled by the other person. So, number six is:

6. Keep asking your inner wisdom, “What is the loving action toward myself right now? What is in my highest good right now?”

If you keep asking this vital question, you will find your way through exploring a new relationship without losing yourself and without getting hurt by the other person.

Can This Relationship Be Helped?

I have been counseling couples for 35 years. Quite often individuals come in for help wondering if it is really possible to save or improve their relationship. Perhaps their partner is totally uninterested in working on the relationship. Perhaps their partner is an alcoholic or drug addict. What are their chances of saving their relationship?

Since two people always get together at their common level of woundedness, here is what I say to the partner who has sought my help: “As long as you choose to remain in this relationship, there are things for you to learn. Each partner contributes their 100% to the relationship. While it is often easy to see what your partner is doing that is harmful to the relationship, it is often difficult to see what you are doing. Yet until you learn about your part in this relationship system, you will take your own dysfunctional behavior with you into another relationship. It’s generally a waste of time - unless there is physical abuse - to leave a relationship before healing your own end of the system. The time to leave is when you have learned to make yourself happy regardless of what your mate is doing. When you learn to take 100% responsibility for your own feelings and needs, and if your partner is still behaving in ways that are unacceptable to you, then it’s time to leave. You need to discover how to respond to your partner in ways that are loving to yourself and that support your own joy and highest good.”

When the partner who is available to counseling does his or her inner work, one of two things happen. Either the other partner likes what is happening and becomes more open, or the relationship becomes more distant and difficult. I tell my clients that it is a 50-50 deal - half the time things get better and half the time they get worse. They need to be okay with either outcome. If fact, I encourage them to let go of the outcome and just be in the process of learning how to take loving care of themselves.

Let’s take some examples. Craig is unhappy in his marriage because his wife, Gloria, is often angry and judgmental toward him. Craig sees himself as the victim of Gloria’s unloving behavior, blaming her for his unhappiness. However, Craig is a equal part of the relationship system. He generally reacts to Gloria’s anger with compliance, giving himself up in his covert attempt to control Gloria’s anger. He believes that being a “nice guy” will control her feelings and behavior. So, while Gloria is attempting to overtly control Craig, Craig is attempting to covertly control Gloria. Until Craig starts to speak his truth rather than give himself up as his form of control, he will feel resentful and distant with Gloria. If he has the courage to take loving care of himself by speaking his total truth without blame or judgment, and take loving action for himself based on his truth, then either things will get better or they will get worse. The only way Craig will be able to be honest and take care of himself is if he is willing to lose Gloria rather than continue to lose himself.

Marilyn is married to Martin, a non-abusive functioning alcoholic. The problem for Marilyn is that when Martin drinks, which is every night, he completely disconnects from her and she feel very lonely with him. She’s tried in many ways to get Martin to connect to her, but nothing has worked. Most nights, Marilyn just watches TV, feeling sad and alone.

Until Marilyn decides to do whatever she needs to do to make herself happy, nothing will change. If she decides to take classes, get together with friends, join a support group or go to Alanon, she will no longer be a victim of Martin’s decision to withdraw through alcohol. If Marilyn continues to take care of herself over a time - six months to a year - and nothing changes, then she can decide to leave. Or, she can decide to stay and just continue making herself happy. The possibility also exist that when Marilyn stops pulling on Martin to make her happy, he may decide to deal with himself rather than be left alone most of the time.